Recent Comments:
Alec Responds: "I've Been Driven to the Edge" {TMZ}
Apr 28th 2007 7:42AM UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES
by R. Lundy Bancroft
c 1998
A sophisticated understanding of the mind of the abuser, his style as a parent, and of the tactics that he most commonly employs during separation and divorce, are essential to anyone making custody recommendations or working to design visitation plans that are safe for the children and their mother. Contrary to popular belief, children of batterers can be at just as much risk psychologically, sexually, and even physically after the couple splits up as they were when the family was still together. In fact, many children experience the most damaging victimization from the abuser at this point. A genuine batterer can be convincingly play the part of a man who has been unfairly accused, and batterers who will be a grave risk to their children during unsupervised visitation can be hard to separate from those who can visit safely. The insights and expertise of those service providers who have extensive experience working directly with abusers needs to be drawn from, and the level of contribution from victims themselves to policy design also needs to be greatly increased. Custody and visitation battles amidst allegations of domestic violence require policies and interveners (judges, mediators, and Guardians Ad Litem) based in the most detailed knowledge, experience, sensitivity, and integrity. The stakes for children are very high...
...PROFILE OF THE BATTERER
Generalizations about batterers have to be made with caution. Batterers come from all socioeconomic backgrounds and levels of education. They have the full range of personality types, from mild and mousy to loud and aggressive. They are difficult to profile psychologically; they frequently fare well in psychological testing, often better than their victims do. People outside of a batterer's immediate family do not generally perceive him as an abusive person, or even as an especially angry one. They are as likely to be very popular as they are to be "losers," and they may be visible in their communities for their professional success and for their civic involvement. Most friends, family, and associates in a batterer's life find it jarring when they hear what he has done, and may deny that he is capable of those acts.
The partner and children of a batterer will, however, experience generalizable characteristics, though he may conceal these aspects of his attitude and behavior when other people are present:
The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he may control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or to see certain friends.
He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality.
He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy. He typically believes that it is his sole prerogative to determine when and how sexual relations will take place, and denies his partner the right to refuse (or to initiate) sex. He usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference. He is highly demanding.
He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways.
The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him. This possessiveness in batterers is the reason why killings of battered women so commonly happen when victims are attempting to leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a relationship until he is ready to end it.
Most abusers do not express these beliefs explicitly; they are more likely to deny having them, or even to claim to have opposite convictions that are humane and egalitarian. An experienced batterers' counselor may have to spend several hours with the abuser before the underlying attitudes begin to show. These attitudes are generally evident to victims, however, who often feel frustrated at the batterer's ability to present a markedly different face to the outside world. This dual aspect to his personality also helps to keep the victim confused about what he is really like, and can contribute to her blaming herself for his abusive behaviors...
...The Perceptual System of Men Who Batter
Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been "mutually hurtful."
Although a percentage of batterers have psychological problems, the majority do not. They are often thought to have low self-esteem, high insecurity, dependent personalities, or other results from childhood wounds, but in fact batterers are a cross-section of the population with respect to their emotional make-up. Certain labels such as "control freak" or "self-centered" have the appearance of accuracy, but even these overlook the fact that the battering problem is very context-specific; in other words, most batterers do not have an inordinate need for control, but rather feel an inordinate right to control under family and partnership circumstances. Thus unlike other problems with violence, battering behavior is mostly driven by culture rather than by individual psychology. Many batterers are "in touch with" their feelings and skilled in the language of therapy and recovery, which throws evaluators off the track. They may use their childhoods and emotions as an excuse, to divert attention from their entitled and possessive attitudes.
Battering is a learned behavior, with its roots in attitudes and belief-systems that are reinforced by the batterer's social world. The problem is specifically linked to how the abuser formulates the concepts of relationship and family; in other words, within those realms he believes in his right to have his needs come first, and to be in control of the conduct (and often even of the feelings) of others. A recent research study showed that two factors, the belief that battering is justified and the presence of peers who support abusiveness, are the single greatest predictors of which men will batter; these two had a considerably greater impact than whether or not the man was exposed to domestic violence as a child (Silverman and Williamson).
Each batterer has his own mix of controlling and entitlement. Some monitor every move their partners make like a prison guard, but at the same time are somewhat lower in entitlement, contributing more to housework and childcare than other batterers (though still less than non-batterers). Other batterers don't control their partners freedom as severely, but become irate or violent when they are not fully catered to, or when victims remind them of responsibilities that they are shirking. The levels of manipulativeness and overt disrespect also vary, so that each batterer has a particular style...
...Creation of a Positive Public Image
An abuser focuses on being charming and persuasive during a custody dispute, with an effect that can be highly misleading to Guardians ad Litem, court mediators, judges, police officers, therapists, family members, and friends. He can be skilled at discussing his hurt feelings and at characterizing the relationship as mutually destructive. He will often admit to some milder acts of violence, such as shoving or throwing things, in order to increase his own credibility and create the impression that the victim is exaggerating. He may discuss errors he has made in the past and emphasize the efforts he is making to change, in order to make his partner seem vindictive and unwilling to let go of the past.
Harassment and Intimidation Tactics
Where manipulation and charm do not work, the abuser may switch to intimidation, threatening or attacking those whom he perceives as being supportive to his partner. In the most extreme cases the abuser may attempt to kill the woman, her lawyer, or the children, and sometimes will succeed. In some cases custody evaluators have been afraid to release their recommendations because of their fear of the batterer's retaliation.
Batterers may continue their harassment of the victim for years, through legal channels and other means, causing periodic re-traumatizing of the victim and children and destroying the family's financial position. Motions by abusers for custody or for increases in visitation are common forms of retaliation for things that he is angry about. (They are also used to confuse the court; for example, lawyers who represent abusers encourage clients who are accused of sexual abuse to file for custody immediately; this move will cause the court to treat the allegation as "occurring in the context of a custody dispute.") If the abuser meets with periodic success in court, he may continue his pattern of abuse through the legal system until the children reach majority.
BATTERERS' STYLE IN MEDIATION OR CUSTODY EVALUATION
Batterers naturally strive to turn mediation and GAL processes to their advantage, through the use of various tactics. Perhaps the most common is to adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out "for the good of the children." He may cry in front of the mediator or GAL and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge, "even though she knows full well that I would never do anything to hurt them." ...
Alec Baldwin Gives His "View" {TMZ}
Apr 28th 2007 7:27AM UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES
by R. Lundy Bancroft
c 1998
A sophisticated understanding of the mind of the abuser, his style as a parent, and of the tactics that he most commonly employs during separation and divorce, are essential to anyone making custody recommendations or working to design visitation plans that are safe for the children and their mother. Contrary to popular belief, children of batterers can be at just as much risk psychologically, sexually, and even physically after the couple splits up as they were when the family was still together. In fact, many children experience the most damaging victimization from the abuser at this point. A genuine batterer can be convincingly play the part of a man who has been unfairly accused, and batterers who will be a grave risk to their children during unsupervised visitation can be hard to separate from those who can visit safely. The insights and expertise of those service providers who have extensive experience working directly with abusers needs to be drawn from, and the level of contribution from victims themselves to policy design also needs to be greatly increased. Custody and visitation battles amidst allegations of domestic violence require policies and interveners (judges, mediators, and Guardians Ad Litem) based in the most detailed knowledge, experience, sensitivity, and integrity. The stakes for children are very high.
This article is drawn largely from the author's ten years of experience working as a counselor and supervisor in programs for abusive men, involving contact with some 1500 abusers, and hundreds of their victims, over that period. During the first few years of this period I worked almost exclusively with voluntary clients, and during the latter period worked primarily with court-mandated ones. The characteristics of the clients changed remarkably little during that shift. In the late 1980's, professionals in batterer programs began paying particular attention to the behavior of clients with respect to probate processes, and we began asking victims more questions about the man's conduct with respect to visitation and custody. Since leaving direct work with batterers, I have served with increasing frequency as a custody evaluator (both as Guardian ad Litem and as Care and Protection Investigator), and have worked closely with child protective services...
...PROFILE OF THE BATTERER
Generalizations about batterers have to be made with caution. Batterers come from all socioeconomic backgrounds and levels of education. They have the full range of personality types, from mild and mousy to loud and aggressive. They are difficult to profile psychologically; they frequently fare well in psychological testing, often better than their victims do. People outside of a batterer's immediate family do not generally perceive him as an abusive person, or even as an especially angry one. They are as likely to be very popular as they are to be "losers," and they may be visible in their communities for their professional success and for their civic involvement. Most friends, family, and associates in a batterer's life find it jarring when they hear what he has done, and may deny that he is capable of those acts.
The partner and children of a batterer will, however, experience generalizable characteristics, though he may conceal these aspects of his attitude and behavior when other people are present:
The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he may control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or to see certain friends.
He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality.
He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members. He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy...
...He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object. He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways...
...Most abusers do not express these beliefs explicitly; they are more likely to deny having them, or even to claim to have opposite convictions that are humane and egalitarian. An experienced batterers' counselor may have to spend several hours with the abuser before the underlying attitudes begin to show. These attitudes are generally evident to victims, however, who often feel frustrated at the batterer's ability to present a markedly different face to the outside world...
...In my decade of working with abusers, involving over a thousand cases, I have almost never encountered a client whose violence was not accompanied by a pattern of psychological abusiveness...
Alec Baldwin's Threatening Message to Daughter {TMZ}
Apr 28th 2007 7:12AM UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES
by R. Lundy Bancroft
c 1998
A sophisticated understanding of the mind of the abuser, his style as a parent, and of the tactics that he most commonly employs during separation and divorce, are essential to anyone making custody recommendations or working to design visitation plans that are safe for the children and their mother. Contrary to popular belief, children of batterers can be at just as much risk psychologically, sexually, and even physically after the couple splits up as they were when the family was still together. In fact, many children experience the most damaging victimization from the abuser at this point. A genuine batterer can be convincingly play the part of a man who has been unfairly accused, and batterers who will be a grave risk to their children during unsupervised visitation can be hard to separate from those who can visit safely. The insights and expertise of those service providers who have extensive experience working directly with abusers needs to be drawn from, and the level of contribution from victims themselves to policy design also needs to be greatly increased. Custody and visitation battles amidst allegations of domestic violence require policies and interveners (judges, mediators, and Guardians Ad Litem) based in the most detailed knowledge, experience, sensitivity, and integrity. The stakes for children are very high.
This article is drawn largely from the author's ten years of experience working as a counselor and supervisor in programs for abusive men, involving contact with some 1500 abusers, and hundreds of their victims, over that period. During the first few years of this period I worked almost exclusively with voluntary clients, and during the latter period worked primarily with court-mandated ones. The characteristics of the clients changed remarkably little during that shift. In the late 1980's, professionals in batterer programs began paying particular attention to the behavior of clients with respect to probate processes, and we began asking victims more questions about the man's conduct with respect to visitation and custody. Since leaving direct work with batterers, I have served with increasing frequency as a custody evaluator (both as Guardian ad Litem and as Care and Protection Investigator), and have worked closely with child protective services.
I also have drawn from numerous published studies, several of which are listed in the back of this article. [I have chosen for reasons of ease to refer to the abuser as "he" and the victim as "she," but I am aware that there is a small percentage of cases of domestic violence to which this language does not apply.]
PROFILE OF THE BATTERER
Generalizations about batterers have to be made with caution. Batterers come from all socioeconomic backgrounds and levels of education. They have the full range of personality types, from mild and mousy to loud and aggressive. They are difficult to profile psychologically; they frequently fare well in psychological testing, often better than their victims do. People outside of a batterer's immediate family do not generally perceive him as an abusive person, or even as an especially angry one. They are as likely to be very popular as they are to be "losers," and they may be visible in their communities for their professional success and for their civic involvement. Most friends, family, and associates in a batterer's life find it jarring when they hear what he has done, and may deny that he is capable of those acts.
The partner and children of a batterer will, however, experience generalizable characteristics, though he may conceal these aspects of his attitude and behavior when other people are present:
The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making, he may control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts, such as forbidding her to use the telephone or to see certain friends.
He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault, and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality.
Alec Baldwin's Threatening Message to Daughter {TMZ}
Apr 27th 2007 6:58PM #1 We do not know why Ireland did not answer the phone.
#2 Mr. Baldwin did not know why Ireland did not answer the phone
before he left that message for her.
#3 We know that Mr. Baldwin raged at his young daughter and
insulted her mother in that message.
#4 We do not know why Mr. Baldwin raged at his young daughter and
insulted her mother.
Imagine if your child's school teacher called your child a "thoughtless
little pig"?
Why is it that parents can abuse their children but strangers can't?
In this country, a parent can verbally abuse their child but a stranger
can't.
In this country, a parent can also molest their child but a stranger can't.
If a parent molests their child, our state offices "reunite" the child with
the parent who molests them.
Don't believe it?
Look into the history of the guy who invented the term,
"parental alienation".
His name was "Dr." Richard Gardner.
He committed suicide a couple of years ago.
Now we have to get our family courts to stop paying evaluators who
use "Dr."Gardner's work in our family courts.
Ms. Basinger does not have a mysterious illness called "parental
alienation syndrome".
She is apparently a good mother who is being a protective parent.
When more good people step forward to protect children from abuse, our families will be healthier, our country will be stronger and the world will be a better place.
How to Look Thin In Photos {Switched.com}
Apr 25th 2007 9:20PM This isn't really a mom it is just a kid.... but anyway i just read the comments and hahahahahahah i agree with you michell and i don't particularly
like Goerge Bush either and i am hoping if i follow these 10 tips i will look like the picture above also Tracy so you are not alone. :)
Alec Baldwin's Threatening Message to Daughter {TMZ}
Apr 22nd 2007 8:47AM Mr. Baldwin says he's been "pushed to the edge".
Will the court ignore Mr. Baldwin's history?
Will the court ignore Mr. Baldwin's pattern of abusive behavior?
How long will Mr. Baldwin and his attorneys blame others for Mr. Baldwin's actions?
Will the court (and public opinion) allow Mr. Baldwin to do whatever he wants to do and give the excuse that he's been "pushed to the edge"?
The shooter at Virginia Tech blamed others for what he did too.
Alec Baldwin's Threatening Message to Daughter {TMZ}
Apr 20th 2007 6:51PM Maybe it's a coincidence - and maybe not - that Mr. Baldwin raged at his child and threatened her exactly one week before "Parental Alienation Day".
What the public doesn't realize is that when a father rages at and threatens his children, he has a better chance of "winning" sole custody of his children - depending on how much a mother protects her children from his abuse. Abusive fathers understand the deal. So do their attorneys. So do some court evaluators who work in our family courts - with attorneys who know which evaluators will tell a judge that a protective mother has "parental alienation syndrome" when she's tried to protect her children.
Some individuals in this country have decided that next Wednesday, April 25th, should be a day for educating the public about "Dr" Richard Gardner's theories. (Although they probably won't publicize the fact that "Dr" Gardner was pro-pedophile.)
Next Wednesday, Dr. Richard Gardner's fans and supporters (maybe Alec Baldwin and his attorneys too) will attempt to persuade the public that if a child is afraid of a parent, (usually the father) it is because the other parent (usually the mother) has a "disorder" called "parental alienation syndrome".
When family courts were just getting established in the 1970's and 1908's, "Dr" Gardner convinced many attorneys and court evaluators that a protective mother has a "mental disorder" when she tries to protect her child from the father's physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse. It's an absolute living nightmare for a mother to be punished for protecting her child.
The mainstream media needs to cover this issue so the public can pressure our government to change laws so this travesty will stop. (See the Protective Parent Reform Act that has already become law in several states.)
Some divorce attorneys and court evaluators love "Dr" Richard Gardner's work. Many went to hear his lectures and read his books to learn how they could use the term "parental alienation disorder" to take custody of children from good mothers and "win" sole custody of children for their abusive clients. It's a cottage industry in some family courts in this country, Israel, England and Australia.
Family law attorneys who want to "win" sole custody for their abusive clients still buy "Dr" Gardners books but they don't go to his lectures anymore because he committed suicide a few years ago.
Eventually, those working in our family courts will realize that healthy psychiatrists don't commit suicide. Eventually, they will also realize that fathers don't have a "right" to abuse their children and when fathers abuse their children, there's something wrong with the abusive father, not the protective mother.
