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Secret Service for Billionaires Reminds You How to Stay Safe from Assassins (on Facebook)

michael guidryAre you a billionaire? Are you on Facebook? Holy hell! Immediately solicit the services of Mr. Michael Guidry, whose Guidry Group "helps physically protect 22 billionaires." An "expert in hostage negotiation and terrorism," the former Texas State Trooper spoke at the Mobile Security Symposium in San Francisco this week, explaining how the Internet will invariably cause you to fall into the hands of ransoming Mexican cartels.

Guidry explained to USA Today how a smartphone was employed in the recent kidnapping and murder of one of his client's associates. Basically, the kidnapper used Google to look the guy up on his phone. Thus, causality! "We're seeing that a lot," says Guidry. "Between that and kids hanging out with their parents at a Starbucks and Twittering everywhere that their parents are going, it's unbelievable." Got that? Smartphones, children and Starbucks are putting our country's billionaires in danger.

USA Today helpfully notes that "the extent to which assassins... make use of technology to plot and carry out kidnappings and assasinations [sic] is difficult to measure." But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be worried about assassins, just as you should still be worried about terrorists and pedophiles constantly hijacking your Wi-Fi. We all know that you can use the Internet to look up anything you post online, from your devotion to Team Jacob to photos from your last colonoscopy party. The moral of the story? Try not to look so rich, and don't tweet at Starbucks. And stay safe out on those Interwebz!

Tags: cellphones, google, guidry group, GuidryGroup, michael guidry, MichaelGuidry, Mobile Security Symposium, MobileSecuritySymposium, security, top, web