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Fastest Text Message Record Combines Marketing Gimmick and Useless Talent

melissa thompson fastest text message record breakerAlthough freak shows have all but disappeared from modern carnivals -- since conjoined twins are now typically sawed in half, and "dog-faced" sufferers of hypertrichosis just get frequent waxes -- we can still look to the Guinness Book of World Records to expose the Earth's strangest and least-marketable talents and afflictions. While it may not be as lofty an achievement as Most Rattlesnakes Bathed With, the Fastest Text Message record is no different in nature -- and it has recently been broken by Melissa Thompson of Salford, England.

As much a marketing bid by Samsung as it was a world record attempt, Thompson used the SWYPE keypad on the manufacturer's Galaxy S phone to gain the new title. In doing so, she edged out one Franklin Page, who set the record earlier this year (also on a SWYPE-enabled Samsung phone). Thompson typed, "The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human" in 25.94 seconds, beating Page's record of 35.54 seconds for the same passage. But using SWYPE kind of seems like cheating, due to the interface's ability to input letters at breakneck speed. We demand text-message-record standardization and oversight! What if that guy who earned the record for Most Toilet Seats Broken Over The Head had used some kind of newfangled, breakaway toilet seat? Outrage.

Tags: cellphones, fastest text message, FastestTextMessage, franklin page, FranklinPage, galaxy s, GalaxyS, guinness book of world records, GuinnessBookOfWorldRecords, melissa thompson, MelissaThompson, record, samsung, sms, texting, top

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