Five Online Daters To Avoid (5)
5. Cheaters
How is it possible that this new, wonderful person is still single? In fact, he or she may not be. While there are some great singles out there waiting to steal your heart away, some of them are not, in fact, single. Surprise, surprise, it turns out that some people use dating sites as a way to get a little something on the side when they're out of town.
Consider this story about Jill, a 27-year-old Washington, DC, marketing executive, who met the "man of her dreams" online:
"Since he lived in a different city ?- Roanoke, Virginia ?- it was easy for him to sneak around." She told iVillage, "Although he made excuse after excuse about why he continually had to cancel a date at the last minute ?- one time claiming he'd been in a car accident ?- I got suspicious only after I knew everything." There had been numerous red flags. For instance, he only called from his cell phone while driving in his car. It turns out that Joe (not his real name) was talking to several women online. According to his wife, Jill was the only one he'd actually met and kissed.
How to avoid them:
Look out for people who can only talk to you during the day, will only talk online or via text message, or who mysteriously disappear at night and on weekends. Other warning signs include out-of-town lovers who happen to be in town a lot. And be especially cautious of people who live thousands of miles away, since you have no real way of verifying what's actually going on with them day-to-day. There's a good chance you could be on the back burner. Also, look out for people who list their status as "separated" -- they could be separated in mind, only.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 7)
Tony C. said 6:39PM on 2-28-2008
I have an online dating horror story..I met this woman on Yahoo about 2 years ago, and at first it was all about cyber, flirting, etc. Then we realized that our online and phone conversations were getting more in depth, talking about everything. So, we exchanged pics, and I was blown away, she was HOT. A month later, she calls me crying, "I'm sorry I lied.I don't look like that don't hate me." I didn't, I was disappointed and hurt but got over it. I liked her for her by this point. Her real pic OMG..not a Cosmo model by any means, but I cared about her a lot. Long story short, we dated about a year, then got engaged. I had a huge spinal surgery and the minute she heard I couldn't be intimate, she was making excuses to stay late at work, lying about where she was..she came up with this bogus story that I was the bad guy and called off the engagement, and moved out. Less then a week after doing that, I found out she was living with a guy doing menial labor that speaks broken English. Nice guys do finish last. I think I'll be celibate from now on. Many us guys should make a website, "Women to Avoid.com".
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wweaver107 said 6:57PM on 3-03-2008
I recommend that women NEVER list their actual hometown. Pick a town reasonably close. Normal lookers will still get a general idea where you live. Bad lookers won't be able to track you down...
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yammada said 10:16PM on 3-03-2008
I am currently on POF (for the last 6 months) and had thought about match.com, but didn't want to give my creit card # over the internet for reasons of automatic renewal. But I am thinking about buying a prepaid credit card for $100 or so and then using up the balance so there won't be any money left on the card if I decide to cancel.
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Joyce said 4:09AM on 3-04-2008
This comment is for Mr. Hubbages: How can you compare as you call her a "fat woman" to a lying, broke down, fat belly, deceiving maniac? I don't get it. True, women should be honest about their appearance and size, but if you empty headed men are only interested in a woman's size, then just go to a mental institution and pick up a skinny, thin patient. No, I'm not fat, but could pick up weight day due to illness, should I be concerned that I married an airhead who can only see and think as far as his eyes and see?
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pat cook said 9:20AM on 8-07-2008
I met a man who was very warm & endearing during a month of calls and emails. He told me he was 5'8", had a receding hair line but was physically fit with an athletic build. Now, I am not one hung up on appearances. But when we finally met, well, if he had an athletic build, a scarecrow could play the Hulk. His height was not a hair over 5'3", and speaking of hair, he neglected to tell me that his receding hairline receded all the way to the nape of his neck!
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user96175 said 8:33AM on 8-07-2008
I'm a guy who gave up on internet dating. One woman I corresponded and spoke with was matronly in appearance, as I discovered, and posted online pictures that weren't hers, using the explanation that men didn't like her real-life packaging. The telltale warning sign was that she wouldn't send me any photos by mail. Another lady I saw had some good things going for her and was a nice person. But she seemed caught up in how many men she had dated had proposed marriage to her. She was overtly disappointed in the car that I drove and I got the sense that she was looking for a guy making upwards of $200K per year. So we quit dating.
I'd rather meet women the old-fashioned way and get referrals from friends who know each of us well. My lament is that too many people want to rush into love and marriage. I have a relative who met her future husband via online dating. The first guy she dated was a nice guy from out of state. They parted on good terms. The second guy was clear across the continent and he demonstrated a lot of commitment and caring for her by travelling back east to see her and also introducing her to his family and friends back west. Three years later they married. So it can work out. The saying "Know Thyself" comes to mind. Having been married before, I am in no rush to remarry and lead a full, active life. Being a single dad has its challenges and I've been a very devoted father to my young son who lives hundreds of miles away, perhaps at the expense of my dating and social life. Putting my son first has enabled him to flourish in an occasionally tumultous situation regarding his home life.
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DAC said 4:07PM on 8-08-2008
You do have to sift through alot of the players or the divorced people with baggage/anger/resentment..There aren't alot of perfect people out there..I've been in several longer relationships that I just felt I got "someone elses problem" on my hands and am kind of jaded about the whole internet dating thing. I don't know of any other way to meet people though, not being a bar person.
I can't believe how naive' I was with some of these Serial Internet Daters. They just peruse the ads and like someone said, they are on ten sites, crusing for " new blood ". You feel like such a fool when you realize it.
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curliepwincess said 6:31AM on 8-12-2008
I met my husband 10 yrs ago on love@aol. We talked online for 2 months and another 2 months on the phone. He flew from NM to TX to meet me on July 3rd (a saturday), on monday we applied for a marriage license and on July 9th (thursday) we were married. I am lucky to have him. But it wasn't easy to find him. I probably went out with over 100 weirdos before I met him/
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Kimberly said 2:48PM on 10-10-2007
I was on an online dating site and met someone who I thought could be a special someone but after chatting on the phone and a couple of meetings later I found him to be a stalker. When I would visit the site he would question me about doing so. If I did not answere his calls he became jealous. Fortunatly I have people in places that I could find out more about him with out having to ask him personally. I found out he has several restraining oreders against him.
All in all what I learned is that the online dating sites are ok but they can't screen the subscribers ehough to make sure you don't get involved with a potentially dangerouse person.
My situation is under controll but I still look over my shoulder when I am out with friends.
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Giata said 7:29PM on 10-10-2007
I have tested these waters and fairly I might add, for I did maintain membership and communications for a couple of years.
The majority of men who contacted me were married and actually many of them confessed to this and where quite honest about simply wanting to find another place to put their boots under the bed. I initially was polite in declining their interest, but some cases turned into harassment with the simple word No unknown to these narcissist's vocabulary. I did meet a few in a public setting, however there was no chemistry and I even had one person tell me he could not be with someone that would be perceived more intelligent than him.
I am a therapist so I do recognize the red flags and I absolutely will not set myself up for potential problems. I have returned to previous forms of meeting others through work, personal acquaintances, friends, friendly get togethers, conferences, church socials, and even the old style written personal ad in local publications.
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April said 2:53PM on 10-10-2007
My husband comes on here and goes onto yahoo in the fetish chatrooms and the West Virginia rooms and meets people on there. Needless to say with yahoo everything is recorded into your computer and if you know how to open it up you can read all convo's. The sad part is that most women I have confronted didn't care that he was married and still wanted to mess around with my husband. And when my husband was confronted he just wanted to deny it even if I had evidence of his little encounters.
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Anne said 4:59PM on 10-10-2007
Yes, you are right about all of the above.
Just wanted to warn singles about some other things people try to do:
- a writer told me all about his books and where they could be purchased. We exchanged many e-mails, some becoming intimate and I am convinced he was just looking for new material for his fiction books
- another man was simply looking for volunteers for his organization. When we set up the meeting, it was going to be on the mall in DC with many other volunteers...
- people will try to convert you to their religion. One man brought a bible to our first dinner because if I was not of his religious beliefs, he could not possible date me.
- age...yes, positively so. Men ofter take a few years off particularly if they have just past a major birthday ending in 0. Suddenly they are 52 or 63 and want to be picked up in the search when a woman types in that her range goes up to 50 or 60!
- watch out for a list of activities. Liking scuba diving, tennis, horse back riding, dancing, etc does not mean that person actually does it on a regular basis!
- most men I have met (about 5% of those replying to my add) have been honest. If you screen them carefully and learn to read between the lines, you should be OK. Watch out for very short profiles, responses such as "want to go to Bermuda next week?"...be carful...
I think I can write a book on on-line dating!
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cyndi said 2:54PM on 10-10-2007
You did not cover those who get to know you, asking all the right questions to make you think he does care. But then prays on your compassion and open heart by saying for what ever reason he is needing money. Do not believe anyone who gets involved with you but then has to make a business trip,(especially to Africa/Nigeria)because they will be trouble and only want money. I even recieved a check to cash for his on my account and send him the money. Guess what it was a phoney check. Do not give your phone number out until you are very sure that they are on the up and up. This means you need to meet him face to face to assure he is here in this country and his profile is real.
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Kimberly said 2:54PM on 10-10-2007
I met my husband-to-be online 6 1/2 years ago. We did a whole lot of talking before pictures were exchanged. By this time we knew we were both going through a divorce, he was in Tennessee and I in California. After several months I finally gave him my phone number. AFter several months of talking by phone and still talking by chatting online, we met in person. We have never been apart since. We will be married in 10 days and he is the greatest thing to EVER happen to my and my daughters.
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Cheryle said 3:32PM on 8-08-2008
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!
Dee said 3:06PM on 10-10-2007
I can only add that, as a wife whose husband has joined several sites, there ARE people out there who are not technically available. The sad thing is, his picture is correct...it just has me cropped out! I was sitting beside him in the original.
I have found out many interesting things, like we are divorced, we're separated, etc.
Almost worse are the sites which cater to people in relationships. He found those, too. There are actually some single people who go to those sites looking for attached people.
The world is becoming a sad, lonely place.
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NIKKI said 3:09PM on 10-10-2007
I met a few bad apples online dating but after weeding through those I found my Husband, so it isn't all bad if you can tollerate alot of crap sometimes it turns out great.
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Elizabeth said 3:11PM on 10-10-2007
It's sad the so many stories of on line dating gone wrong, but they are not all bad. I have been with my fiance for 3 years now whom I met on Yahoo, The time I met him my life was a disaster, and his was not going so well either, We fell in love with so much in common, and now have a wonderful life with Love I never dreamed possible, (He is also a wonderful father to my 3 children from previous marriage) Most of my dreams have come true since I met him. Thank you Yahoo.
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Laura said 3:19PM on 10-10-2007
Friend and professional associate, now both former, went online to meet man of her dreams. Within days, became smitten, fell in love, and claimed felt like she knew him for years. Got on plane to San Deigo and went to stay with perfect stranger in his home. Man got her into bed. This women commented on his feminine side - guest bedroom decorated in feminine way, and on his temper - said she heard him swearing and banging around in kitchen when she got out of shower. This woman has two college aged daughters. Out of deep concern for her and her daughters, I voiced objection to this upon her request for feedback. Felt it was the sound, responsible thing to do and would not forgive myself if I didn't. LADIES, don't jump on planes and stay with strangers and sleep with them. That's crazy! And don't expose your children, even if they're fully grown, to this behavior.
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dmetennis2 said 3:16PM on 10-10-2007
i met my now husband of 4 years on match.com...i always met the dates at restaurants and took my own car...I was very careful about giving out my home # until I knew how things might go...after about 4 duds I met my husband and couldn't be happier
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